As Danny Dyer's film career fades like a well washed pair of boxers, we offer up some suggestions for alternative employment.

Seeing as Danny has no issue with others typing up his thoughts and opinions for him
we also proudly offer his response for you, the learned reader.

Friday 11 June 2010

Dinner Lady

Job role:The serving of delicious lunches and dispenser of justice.

Skill level required: Krays

Danny says: "I get a lot of love from men and they say the fastest way to a man's heart is frough his faackin' stomach which is why I like the look of this job. I mean, you've gotta be a faackin' hard nut to be a Dinner Lady. You've gotta 'ave Black Cabs made of steel D'ya know what I mean mate do ya?"

Lollipop Man

Job role:To safely transport little kiddy winks from one side of a road to the other without the use of a bridge or teleportation device.

Skill level required: Ninja

Danny says: "Yeah I mean you can take the biscuits aahht of a bloke that spends 'is workin' day 'raaaahnd a bunch of faackin' kids but imagine if, right, that one of 'em 'ad a faackin' cold and was abaaht to faackin' die. I'd be a local 'eero droppin' all me ovver work to make sure that little man made it to school or 'ospital by the skin of his Range Rovers!"


Job role:To assist the advancement of Science with powerful brain thinking.

Skill level required: Chutney

Danny says: "Faack me! Gettin' paid to sit around on ya Mot The Hoople all day dreamin' up crazy faackin' fings using maffs and such! I fought this job would be perfect for me as I really like sittin' daahn, but then I heard I can also get a Faackin' computer voice as well!
I couldn't faackin' belive it!

Jizz Mopper

Job role:Clean and maintain the cleanliness of the customers side of the dividing glass.

Skill level required: Mental

Danny says: "I'm the worlds faackin' worst at this 'aint I! I can't faackin' keep me shower clean from the milky white stuff, It's a good faackin' job that this is the kind of classy establishment that rewards hard work and company loyalty with low pay and a snazzy uniform, I look like a faackin' pirate! With freads like these I could hoik the Tesco's value right off of any faackin' bird I wanted! Hot!"

Brain Surgeon

Job role:Cut open peoples faces and fix their brains.

Skill level required: Tango Instructor

Danny says: "I'm gonna love doin' this one. Getting to slice open someones Sunseeker and get faackin' paid for it too! Dream job mate! I'd wanna see the bacon and eggs of the man, ya know how he faackin' ticks! I wouldn't bovver makin' him look like a faackin' princess afterwards eivver, Birds really like scars, Makes ya look faackin' hard!"